Beneath The Briefs - Episode #1 - Meeting Terry

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #1 - Meeting Terry"

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT. DAY

Hulk Hogan is small and frail looking. He’s wearing his trademark wrestling outfit which is now too large and hangs loosely off his body. He’s carrying a cardboard box into an empty studio apartment.

HULK HOGAN
It’s a new pad for this dad!

Hulk throws down the box. Everything inside of it breaks.

HULK HOGAN
Dang.

INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT

Hulk tries to open a can of spaghetti-o’s with a can opener but fails repeatedly, eventually stabbing the can with a knife.

Hulk sits on the kitchen floor in front of a mangled can and a paper plate of spaghetti-o’s.

FILM MAKER (OS)
It’s your first night in your new apartment. How does it feel?

HULK HOGAN
I dunno, but it tastes like metal.

Hulk spits out pieces of the can.

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT. NIGHT

Hulk lays on a sleeping bag with his stuffed cat Murph. Murph is dressed like a wrestler.

HULK HOGAN
This is my tag team partner Murph.

Hulk fist bumps Murph.

HULK HOGAN
Cat by chance, friend by choice!

FILM MAKER (OS)
Terry, Murph is clearly stuffed.

HULK HOGAN
You know, you’re not that great yourself, camera man.

INT. STUDIO. DAY
Hulk is laying on a mattress.

HULK HOGAN
Welcome to my new office.

Hulk points to a desktop computer and monitor balancing on a pillow.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Your bed?

HULK HOGAN
Over here is my reading nook.

There’s a small stack of children’s books on another pillow.

HULK HOGAN
Oh, and this is my art gallery. Here’s my boy Nick and my girl Brooke.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Which is which?

Two hand drawn portraits of Brooke and Nick hang above the bed. Each portrait looks identical.

HULK HOGAN
Hmmm. I’m not sure.

Hulk scratches his head lost in thought.

HULK HOGAN
And of course, this is where the magic happens.

There’s a top hat and wand at the end of the bed. Hulk waves the wand over the hat and proudly pulls out a rabbit.

HULK HOGAN
I also hope to have sex here eventually.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE. DAY

Hulk attempts to talk to strangers on the street.

FILM MAKER (OS)
What are your plans for New York?

HULK HOGAN
Right now I’m just trying to make friends.

Hulk attempts to hug strangers as they push him away.

INT. TRAIN

Hulk is seated next to an old man. He tries to hold his hand and the man pulls away.

HULK HOGAN
Shhhhhhh.

Hulk quiets the man with a finger to his lips. The man looks horrified.

INT. TRAIN STATION PLATFORM

Hulk looks down at a rat on the tracks.

HULK HOGAN
Hey my name is Terry. Hello? No name, huh?! Well, you don’t have to be rude. I know we’re all busy here in New York.

Hulk throws down his business card onto the tracks.

HULK HOGAN
Listen, you still seem pretty cool to me. Let’s brunch soon.

INT. BODEGA. DAY
The Film Maker walks into the bodega looking around.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Terry? Are you in here?

Hulk is covered in empty chip bags and trash wrappers. He places his hand on the film maker’s shoulder and pulls him into a corner hugging him close.

HULK HOGAN
Be quiet.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Why?

HULK HOGAN
I was caught stealing a bunch of Slim Jims and they’re after me.

A bodega owner strolls by with a baseball bat.

FILM MAKER (OS)
How long have you been here?

HULK HOGAN
Since last night.

FILM MAKER (OS)
In the same spot?

HULK HOGAN
I’ve been using empty chip bags to defecate.

FILM MAKER (OS)
Gross. Let go of me.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK SHAKESPEARE GARDEN. DAY

Hulk is eating a small ice cream cone. He sits in the middle of a garden as a breeze blows his thin blonde hair behind him.

HULK HOGAN
I think I might grow up to be a poet.

FILM MAKER (OS)
You’re sixty years old.

HULK HOGAN
Years young dummy. You don’t get it, you’re just a camera.

FILM MAKER (OS)
What? There’s obviously a person behind this camera.

HULK HOGAN
Then why do you have to recharge every night?

FILM MAKER (OS)
You mean sleep?

HULK HOGAN
Huh. Sounds exactly like something a camera would say.

BLACK OUT